Texas Jokes

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left.

The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.

"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"

You know you're in Texas in the summertime when:

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is add butter, salt, and pepper.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

An El Paso, Texas policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had just won $50 dollars in a city-wide competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"